Stupid Stories From The Bible: In The Beginning
while it may not be the stupidest, it's still fairly stupid, with multiple levels of idiocy
(Note: I began writing these with a previous post titled “Stupid Stories From The Bible: Abraham And Lot” because that one was a great example of biblical “morality”. I choose now to go back to the start, because this one is more difficult to write, displaying multiple levels of stupidity at the same time, which should be good practice for an upcoming post that will deal with the ultimate in stupid, the Noah’s Ark tale… a tall tale that displays so many levels of stupidty compounded one on top of the other, that I literally dread attempting it)
I will forego dealing with the creation myth, for the most part; for although there are a lot of small idiocies in that one (the sun being created on the fourth day, and how were there days before the sun? and how were plants also created before the sun?) and get to the real nitty-gritty of the thing, the creation of Adam and Eve.
(But I would like to mention in passing, there’s an entire backstory of which most Christians are totally unaware, the story of Adam’s first wife Lilith, who was created the same way as Adam, and not from a rib… she refused to be subservient to Adam, and was therefore condemned to become a succubus and haunt the night, causing the “nocturnal emissions of teenage boys”… a lovely bit of misogyny if ever there was one… if you are female, your choice is to be a slave and get blamed for all the evils that follow if you make one mistake, or refuse to be a slave, and be turned into a cum sucking demon… but I digress)
If we are to even begin to understand the story of Adam and Eve, we first have to accept that God, that all powerful, all knowing being, created a fantastical garden for them to live in. In this garden, he placed two magic trees. One of these trees would give the Knowledge of God and Evil, the other, granted Eternal Life. And then, he created Adam, and later, as a companion for the poor horny guy, Eve. (I guess Adam wasn’t getting everything he needed from the sheep, eh?) (also, if he created the woman from Adam’s rib, wouldn’t she be “Steve” after all? Where did the female chromosomes come from?) (or was Eve trans?)
Anyway, for some unexplained reason, it was important to God that his new born creations be bereft of the knowledge of good and evil. We get no explanation of why this should be so. And, to make matters even worse, all indications seem to be that as long as they didn’t know a thing was evil, it therefore was not evil. They ran around naked and it was not evil, until they learned of good and evil, and then being naked became evil. One wonders if the same would apply to other “sins”? If Adam had murdered Eve before they ate the fruit, would it have been murder?
Now, God told them they were not to eat the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil; but, how could they possibly know that they needed to obey such an order, if they had no idea of good and evil? (And why wouldn’t an all knowing God understand this?) If they didn’t know it was evil, then, like nudity, it couldn’t actually be evil, could it? So, it only became evil after they did it, so how can they be faulted for doing it?
Even worse, doesn’t God know everything? Doesn’t that mean he knew beforehand that they would eat it? How can they be responsible if he knew they would do it? Because, if God knew they would do the thing, then the thing was fated to occur, and they really had no choice, although we are assured that somehow, they had “free will” even though God knew what they would choose.
But even worse, God not only put the tree there, knowing full well ahead of time that they would eat it, but he also put the serpent there, knowing full well that the serpent would tempt them, and they’d fall for it.
It sure doesn’t seem like Adam ever “fell from grace”; rather, it appears he was pushed.
And that opens up another can of worms. Doesn’t God have a divine plan? Isn’t God’s divine plan sacrosanct? If so, then it had to be part of God’s divine plan for them to eat, and again, no room for “free will” in that. Otherwise, you are left arguing that two people, who were little more than toddlers (we really don’t know how many days old they were when the crime was committed, but it surely wasn’t very long) two toddlers were able to derail God’s “Divine Plan”… not much of a divine plan if it can be wrecked so easily, eh?
But fear not boys and girls, God himself (*) hints at the answer just a bit later…
22 And the Lord God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
23 Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
Read that again… the reason he did all this wasn’t because he wanted companions to love and cherish, equals that he could befriend, no. He wanted puppets, worshipers, beings he could control and command.
God could have let them eat from the Tree Of Life and we would all be Gods ourselves right now, instead, he kicked them out of the Garden and made their lives hellish, for doing exactly what he knew they would do, exactly what he planned from day one.
We will leave to our loyal readers the further explorations of the question “what would have happened had Eve not succumbed to temptation?” and “Where the hell did Cain’s wife come from?” and other interesting questions.
(*) How can God be “us”? “the man is become as one of us” … I thought this was monotheism?
"Adam’s first wife Lilith, who was created the same way as Adam, and not from a rib… she refused to be subservient to Adam"
Since Eve was made from a XY chromosome rib bone, she started out as a male before she transitioned to female.
So, every Jew and Muslim on the earth are offspring of a Transsexual, correct?
💯 😂